Thanks, Mike. I’m so stupid.
I don’t know. I just hope that one day, I’m happy. There must be some day in my future when I live alone and I’m happy.
I’d very much like it if everything would stop.
I’m allowed to feel this way.
Can’t wait to sit at home alone on new years eve and read a book.
Fuck my sad little life.
Get me out of here.
What a terrible, terrible day. And year.
I think that you’re completely right. The most fucked up human beings are the ones who come bearing depth and stories and wisdom. I only hope for the best, for the both of us, anyway.
A whirlpool of flashbacks sting me in the place of immortal memory, that section of my heart I’ve tried in vain to remove. Sticks like tar, hardens to concrete, forms a sick human.
I’m no older than ten. Little red dots are making my eyes widen. I’m a deer, doe eyes, dough skin. Then I droop, crumpling in the futility of it all. My mother threw a candle at me. Lavender wax seeped into my purple carpet for years, sea of shit-I-can’t-forget. Sticks like rubber bands on braces, hardens to adult-teeth.
I’m eighteen. I’m scared for my life.
Like floodgates, hell courses through my father’s veins, blood pressure teetering over the brink of a hospital. There’s no carpet here.
I stand there in that small room, nervously shaking. But I had to be a rock. And it started, with spit — he showered my face. Cowering, the corners of my lips twitched in maddening disbelief. But I had to be a rock.
White hatred, white flecks of a ruined birthday covered his mouth, and me. Chapped and raw, all we were. I could see so much up close that I never wanted to know.
He continued to taunt me, rolling me between his fingertips; he had me. I fluttered my eyelashes against the palms of my hands and stood. I felt shattered glass as a face.
“She has nothing to say. She’s just going to go hide now.”
I’m pretty tired right now so I think I’m just going to go to bed. Once I get my computer/phone back, I’ll be in touch. Also— thank you, sincerely.
Thanks, Simon. I’ll be alright in time I’m sure… college can’t come fast enough. Cats.